Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
