So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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