3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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