Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
