Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
i think my cat just said my name.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
