dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
