You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
