so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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