Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
