I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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