Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
