Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
