I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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