You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
