My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
