so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
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