An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
