I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
