I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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