Just cropdusted the office
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
