my phone needs a breathalizer
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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