I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
