I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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