Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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