i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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