Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
