when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize