Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Randomize
