i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
