I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
