Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
