If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
