is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I could have mohawked her pubes.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
