My room smells like vodka and shame
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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