I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Dear god my vagina.
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