I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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