Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
