I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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