This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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