Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
