Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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