i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Even the bartender felt bad for me
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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