Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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