Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
