Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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