We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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