You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
