Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
