I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
