SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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