They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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