Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
