I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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