so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
