my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
