I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
